I should change the title...

To "Ramblings of a Bipolar 1 Patient", because that's about all I have to talk about today. I was supposed to leave tomorrow morning to go on a camping trip to Yosemite for 6 days with some WLS surgery friends. Well, with me being the "worse case scenario" thinker, and having a whole bunch of "what if's" running through my head - I pretty much gave myself an incredible amount of anxiety to the point where I don't think it would be safe for me to be so far away.

I didn't just come to this realization; it took quite a few days for me to figure out what I was feeling and why. All I knew, was that I was feeling "unstable". That's the term I use when I really don't know what I am feeling. It's kind of a catch-all word for me. Anyway, I cancelled the trip, and while there is some ease of anxiety from knowing that I am not going, there is still some residual feelings. I have started going to group counseling, I finally found a Kaiser group in Aliso Viejo (that's where my PCP and Psychiatrist are) and they have sessions every Tuesday and Friday. Plus, I see my personal therapist every 2 weeks. So, I'm slowly getting back into treatment, where in Corona I saw my psychiatrist maybe once every three months. I have found the services in Orange County to be much, much more accessible than in Riverside County. Even Urgent Care is run better. Maybe it's the population difference between the two areas; I don't know. It's just better.

So anyway - onto a different topic for now. Jeremy has been bowling on a league for Dana Point for a few months. Well, now I get to bowl too, as one of their team members has a bun in the oven. So this past Thursday was my first time in about 27 years bowling on a league. Although I did pretty much about as well as I expected, I think I am starting to feel more comfortable. Jeremy bought me a bowling ball (it's bright pink!) and bag (it's black with - guess what - pink!). I had bought shoes last year (they are pink too!). So, yesterday I had a crappy day, because I had decided that I wasn't going to Yosemite - and I thought that throwing a bowling ball around would get rid of some of the stress. So J and I went bowling. We were about halfway through our 3 games when they turned off the lights. It was hard! I couldn't see my mark or anything. I ended up doing okay - in fact the last game was my best, but I can honestly say that I do not like Cosmic Bowling. And now today, both Jeremy and I are extremely sore. We barely made it through all 3 games last night. But, it was fun - I definitely needed it. And we'll see how it helps on Thursday.

Well, I'm pretty tired, so I'm gonna finish up what I can on the computer and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It's a little tough on me, because although I'm technically a mother, in practice I am not. People who know, I think, do not know how to approach the situation. So I don't bring it up. I hate making people uncomfortable. But, I hope all you mothers out there have a great day and that the people around you spoil you! And to my mom, who lives sooooo far away, I love you!! And I hope you have a great day. I'll probably end up talking to you before you read this.

Good night everyone!