Good Morning!

I woke up this morning realizing that I haven't written since last week's emotional session in group. A few things have happened since then; some exciting - some not. I'll just go over the weekend, because that's when most of the cool stuff happened.


Friday afternoon I was leaving to pick up Jeremy from work; there was a movie in the park in Dana Point that night and we were going to spend a nice, relaxing evening in town and hang out. Well, walking out to my car, I see this:

Doesn't look too bad, does it? I think to myself, "uh oh - another car fire on the freeway" (I am terrible at discerning direction from inside the complex). Well, I go to pull out of the driveway and look up Moulton - and you cannot even see the street, because of the black smoke. It was a brush fire, and it was about 1/2 mile away from the complex. I called J - said no to the movie, and came back in to start throwing some things in a bag or two to evacuate. When he got home, he trekked to the top of the hill overlooking where the fire was, and was able to see that they had it contained and that we were in no danger. Once he calmed me down (I had gotten a little panicky at that point) we were able to go to the movie in Dana Point.

Which, by the way - was really fun! They showed Madagascar 2. It was a clear, cool night - we sat on a couple of camping chairs, I had a blanket - J had popcorn. And the view before the movie started definitely was NOT bad!

Yes, that is ocean in the background. We were at Lantern Bay Park, right across from the Marriott. And if things couldn't get any better - yes, we had a fire scare at home; but this was acutally quite cozy to be next to once it was dark out:





On Saturday, I donated platelets at UCI in Orange. They are different than the Red Cross; because if they do not have the supply they need on hand, they have to purchase the platelets and whole blood. After that, we went to lunch at Mexicasa (yum!) then went to our storage in Corona to grab some things. We ended up in Ontario dropping off a few things for Jeremy's brother. The weather was great in Ontario! Overcast, and sprinkling when we left.


Sunday we headed to Disneyland, but not before we stopped at the Irvine Animal Care Center for their Super Pet Adoption Fair. J and I want to adopt a pug, and one of the rescues we are looking at was there. We saw some very cute puggies! Jeremy kept looking for the one with the perfect "turd tail". He was funny. I ended up holding the cutest pug ever (and didn't get a picture). But one particular pug caught my attention. Her name was Nadia. She had deformed front legs and an underdeveloped eye, but was the most lovable one there! Here she is:





Then, after the pet fair, Jeremy and I went to Disneyland. We missed it!

Then I worked on homework yesterday and am going to continue doing so today. But I had a wonderful weekend with my man!

This is going to be a long one, folks.

So I just got home from my psych support group. It was a tough, emotional hour and a half. It's always so hard to motivate myself to go, because I know it's not going to be pleasant. But at the same time, when group is done, and I am walking out the door, I always feel 200% better. I don't know if it's me sharing what's going on, or listening to other people and realizing I'm not alone, or even just being in the company of people in general. I used to be a social creature by nature, now I'm not so much. And I'm not sure why - sometimes I think it's because I do not want to draw any attention to myself, because then I feel like I have to explain why I am the way I am, or act the way I act. When I first came out to California, it was hard to make friends, because of my previous marriage and my daughter - not because they were my past, but trying to explain to people how I got to where I was - it was just plain difficult and unpleasant. Now, I feel the same way, only I feel the need to explain to people the whole bipolar deal. I don't know why - not everyone needs to know that I have this illness. But to me, I have to qualify my actions (or non actions) with an explanation. It's freaking hard either way.

Anyway, I was able to share quite a bit today, as the group was small (so each person got more time than usual). There's a list, and I'll try to keep it as easy reading as possible. Now, I'm pretty much writing all this to just get it out - if you do not want to read past this point (or have already stopped reading) I do not blame you. What follows is me just thinking and writing.

Numero uno on my mind was school. I am starting up at Cypress again beginning this summer. Now, I'm not too concerned about the summer session. I'm taking an online class (Weather and Climate) and while the subject matter is completely new to me, I have taken classes online and I am comfortable enough with that format to work through it. The problem comes when I start thinking about the Fall semester - and I actually have to go to class on campus. I am going to be taking four classes (two of them are repeats from when I was at Cypress in '99). Three of the classes are on campus, one is online. The way the schedule works out (if I get into the classes I want) I would be on campus Monday and Wednesday from 10:00 - 3:30 and Thursday from 1:00 - 2:50. One of the classes I have is a photography class, so I imagine I will be spending extra time on campus in the photo lab. It's been a while, but I can only see that as being theraputic. Nothing quite like rolling film in a completely dark room! Anyway, what I am doing to myself is going through all the "what ifs" - what if I don't fit in (it's mostly just out of highschool kids)? - what if I am not smart enough to pass the class? What if I "freak out" and cannot finish the class? What if the department of rehabilitation ends up not paying for school? And I seriously could go on.. and on... once I get started on a "what if" rant, it is VERY hard for me to take a step back and stop. So, the group faciliator did some work with me today regarding that, and recommended I attend a "Rapid Recovery" program. It teaches cognitive behaviors to replace the negative thoughts. Now, generally speaking, I know the behaviors and the steps. But I don't put them into practice. I want to, I just don't - or can't? I'm not sure.

The second thing we talked about was DOGS! Yay, finally - a positive subject! I told the group how we are in the very beginning stages of thinking about getting a pug, and how some breeds can be trained to alert humans to certain behaviors (panic attacks, seizures, etc). The facilitators both agreed that it can be a good thing, but more on the companionship aspect. Getting and training a dog to be a service animal is a serious endeavour, and not one that I am sure I can undertake. Now, having a puggy around to keep me company? I could absolutely handle that! I wonder what Paco would do? Anyway, J and I took the first baby step in our quest for a pug - we bought a food dish :-) It took some thought too! So now we have an empty food dish sitting in our dining room, just waiting for it's own little pug. There's an adoption fair this Sunday in Irvine, and we are going to go - just to look... a couple of pug dog rescues are going to be there, and we will be able to get up close and personal with a couple of pugs and make sure it's the right breed for us. I'm really looking forward to it.

Another fun thing coming up next month - KIM IS COMING TO VISIT!!!! I cannot say enough how excited I am! To me, she cannot get here fast enough, and I know when she is here, it's going to go by waaaay to fast. One of the things we are looking at doing is skydiving. Yup, me - jumping out of a perfectly good plane. I told Kim that if she did it, I would do it with her. The coolest part of all this; is that for a tandem jump the weight limit is 240 pounds. And I make the limit! By at least 25 pounds! I am so happy and proud! I am physically able to do it! Now, mentally - I have no idea LOL. But I promised, so if she jumps, I jump.

Next weekend Jeremy and I are headed up to Convict Lake with his parents and aunt & uncle. We haven't been up there in a couple of years, so I'm pretty excited. Which reminds me, we need to get out to storage in Corona and get our fishing gear. I'm actually debating on whether or not I want to fish. I just know that if I take my gear, I'm not going to want to fish - yet if I leave it at home, I'm going to wish I had it. What I do plan on doing is going on a lot of walks. We visited his parents in San Clemente last week and they stay at this hotel at the top of a hill - and the place we go to eat is on the pier - at the bottom of the hill. Every year thus far, I've cursed that hill and usually had to stop part-way. Not this year! I walked up the hill with NO PROBLEMS! Didn't need to stop to rest, or catch my breath - I was able to just walk up the hill. It felt amazing. While I contribute a lot of that to my weight loss I also know it's because I'm no longer smoking. Either way, I'm a happier (in most ways) healthier me. Who could ask for more?

So, Paco. This last week I've been taking the time I should've been taking all along to spend with him out of his cage. He gets to stretch his wings (which are needing to be clipped again) and he gets a good rubdown from me when he decides to come off his cage and sit on the chair with me. He can get so incredibly lovey when we spend this time together! He lifts up his wings (he likes to be rubbed under his wings) and he puts his head down and presses it into my side so I rub his head. And, he hasn't bitten me yet while doing all this, which is A LOT of progress. After a while, though, he becomes manic birdie and jumps on his cage and starts freaking out. That's when he gets put back in the cage. And he's pretty good about it; for the most part all I have to say is "Paco - in" and he'll do it. Sometimes I have to give him a gentle nudge. That's when I am expecting to get bitten. But, it hasn't happened yet!

Oy vey - I told you this was going to be a long post! But I feel so much better having written it. Sometimes I just need to process what is going on in my head and then I am able to let it go. So, if you've stuck around - thanks for reading! And if you're just now rejoining us - now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Two whole pounds gone! (and lots of pictures...)

My mantra the last month has been "slow and steady wins the race". Well, I stepped on the scale this morning to see it display 212.5. So, two more pounds down. Hey, I'll take it! No complaints here. Must have been all the walking I did yesterday at my docent shift. I took some great pictures this time around; this is a picture of a shovel-nosed guitar fish. It's a species of ray that ranges from central California to the Sea of Cortez. There's more information at wikipedia. He washed up on his own, no one had caught him illegally.

Of course, I saw a ton of sea stars. Here's a few pictures:

There was *one* sea urchin:

Overall, it was a good day. It was overcast and misty, so not too incredibly busy. We ended up taking the table down an hour early. Which was perfect timing for me, because that's when the inlaws showed up! So we got to play in the surf for a while. I would have had more pictures, but my battery in my camera died.

We started that puzzle of Las Vegas this weekend. I had started one night earlier in the week and got the border finished:

Jeremy took the picture from an odd angle, so it looks upside down, but it's really right side up. We sat down at the puzzle for a bit during the weekend, and a couple of hours went by before we knew it. We actually got most of the puzzle finished:

Now Jeremy is working on the black sky, because it just gives me the shakes. The pieces all look the same shape, and they are all black. How does that make sense?? Anyway, I'll post a picture of it when he finishes it (it's not going to look too different than what you are seeing now) and then I'll also post a picture of our next puzzle. It's actually three puzzles that go together to make one photo. It's pretty cool, and it was on sale at Michaels - for $2.97! Each puzzle is 500 pieces. That's quite a steal, if you ask me!

Tonight we are going Red Pin Bowling at Saddleback Lanes. I'll be sure to let you all know how we do. Jeremy usually does better than me (he has a higher average). But the last time we went I won 3 of 4 games (2 games and total pins)! Anyway - I'll be back!